By: Janine Serio
Happy Saturday…and Merry Christmas Eve! I would love to hear about some of your Christmas Eve & Christmas Day traditions! It’s always so fun to hear how everyone celebrates! 🙂 I am getting a little vulnerable with you today. I promise to keep today’s blog post both uplifting and genuinely heartfelt. I don’t want you thinking I am casting a dark cloud over what is supposed to be such a happy couple days – and time of year for that matter – but I am feeling compelled to share this (and feel it would be good for me too).
This morning, I awoke feeling a little more rested – it’s nice to not have the alarm going off at 3:00 am – but I have, also, been filled with a lot of emotion, and a very, heavy heart. Just as they say that you tend to overbuy when you have finished your shopping early (yes, that was me this year), I, also, know that the Holiday’s can be difficult for individuals as well. I have to agree; this year, more than ever, I have felt a very heavy tug on my heart.
While I have a loving family and support system who have been by my side throughout my journey (and with whom I am forever grateful), I woke up today with a huge sense of sadness.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am all about the anticipation of the season. I love the hustle and bustle of shopping, parties, listening to Christmas music, and everything in between. As I anticipate Christmas, I woke up this morning anticipating the “what’s next” and “why me.” This is by, no means, a pity party or a “feel sorry for me” but more of a need to express what I am working through.
How am I going to feel when I wake up on December 26th?
How am I going to feel on January 1st? Yes, I am ready to close the book on 2016 BUT then what?
What will my life look like next year?
What is going to happen if my sister gets engaged?
How will I feel when my cousin has the 1st great-grandchild in the family?
WHY has all of this in my life transpired? Will I ever get the sign I am looking for that will give m this answer?
Will I ever have the ability to fully trust and be open to the possibility that I could find true love again?
Is this scary? Oh my God yes!
This is one of my biggest fears and, maybe, one of the reasons why I feel like I am in a holding pattern in my process. Not only am I trying to write the story as to what is going to happen in my life BUT I still feel like I live in the fantasy of what used to be as well. It’s like I am in this constant tug-of-war of reminiscing about all of the good times yet, also, needing to remind myself there were many Holiday’s, special occasions, and just day-to-day interactions that made me feel that WHAT I was wanting was too much.
Maybe THIS is why I feel the way I feel today – sadness, emptiness, and needing closure.
Maybe THIS is why I continue to battle the “I hate you, I love you” feelings.
Maybe, one day, I will wake up and realize that I do – and did – deserve so much better. Maybe I need to stop worrying about “where I should be” in my process, or scared to put my true feelings out there for the world to read.
As we celebrate Christmas tomorrow, my wish and prayer is for HOPE; my hope to find the daily strength and courage to show up unapologetic and authentic as I did here today.
Yes, I am scared but, the more I am open and honest with myself, the more I hope to become a better version of my current self too. Who cares how pretty or un-pretty (#hotmess) it may look.
It’s real. It’s the truth. It’s life <3